aka Jass

My son came home from school one day, 我兒子從學校回來，

with a smirk upon his face. 臉上帶著一抹微笑，

He decided he was smart enough, 他覺得自己好聰明，

to put me in my place. 可以教我如何做媽媽。

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two, 媽，妳知道我在公民課學了什麼嗎?

that's taught by Mr. Wright? 就是萊特老師教的那堂課，

It's all about the laws today, 是關於最新的法律 -

The 'Children's Bill of Rights.' 叫做【兒童權利法案】。

It says I need not clean my room, 它說我不用打掃我的房間，

don't have to cut my hair 不需要剪頭髮，

No one can tell me what to think, 沒有人可以限制我的想法，

or speak, or what to wear. 不能管我說甚麼、穿什麼。

I have freedom from religion, 我應該有宗教信仰的自由，

and regardless what you say, 不論妳這麼說，

I don't have to bow my head, 我都不需要點頭、不需要服從，

and I sure don't have to pray. 當然，我也不再需要禱告。

I can wear earrings if I want, 只要我喜歡，我就可以穿耳洞，

and pierce my tongue & nose. 就算穿舌環穿鼻環都可以!

I can read & watch just what I like, 可以讀任何喜歡的書，看任何電視節目，

get tattoos from head to toe. 我還可以從頭到腳滿滿的刺青。

And if you ever spank me, 如若媽媽妳敢揍我，

I'll charge you with a crime. 我可是會控告妳的喔!

I'll back up all my charges, 我會記錄每一筆控訴，

with the marks on my behind. 就寫在背後這個板子上。

Don't you ever touch me, 從今以後妳別想再碰我一下，

my body's only for my use, 我的身體只屬於我一個人，

not for your hugs and kisses, 不是妳想抱就抱、想親就親，

that's just more child abuse. 不然和虐待兒童有什麼兩樣!

Don't preach about your morals, 也不要再對我灌輸妳哪些所謂的道德觀，

like your Mama did to you. 像妳媽媽當初對妳那樣，

That's nothing more than mind control, 簡直就是思想控制，

And it's illegal too! 這樣可是犯法的!

Mom, I have these children's rights, 媽! 我可是擁有這些兒童權利，

so you can't influence me, 妳別想要影響我，

or I'll call Children's Services Division, 不然我會打電話給兒童服務部門投訴，

better known as "C.S.D." 也就是赫赫有名的CSD!

Mom's Reply and Thoughts 媽媽的反應與對策

Of course my first instinct was 我當下的反應

to toss him out the door. 當然是把我兒子丟出家門，

But the chance to teach him a lesson 但是這可是個好機會，

made me think a little more. 讓我好好給他上一堂課。

I mulled it over carefully, 我反覆思考了很久，

I couldn't let this go. 決定不能錯失良機。

A smile crept upon my face, 我臉上出現更大一抹微笑，

he's messing with a pro. 他還搞不清楚自己的對手是誰。

Next day I took him shopping 隔天，我帶他上街血拼，

at the local Goodwill Store.. 就在路口那個菜市場。

I told him, "Pick out all you want, 我和他說 "想要什麼就拿，

there's shirts & pants galore. 這裡什麼長褲短褲都有。

I've called and checked with C.S.D . 我已經和赫赫有名的CSD確認過了，

who said they didn't care 他們不在意我給你買那種球鞋，

if I bought you K-Mart shoes 快選一雙市場雜牌鞋吧，

instead of Nike Airs. 以後我不會再買Nike氣墊鞋給你了!

I've canceled that appointment 對了, 關於駕照，

to take your driver's test. 我把你預約的考試取消了，

The C.S.D. is unconcerned 赫赫有名的CSD也不管這件事，

so I'll decide what's best." 所以我只好自己判斷對錯了。

I said "No time to stop and eat, 還有, 我沒有時間做飯了,

or pick up stuff to munch. 你就拿個東西在路上吃吧。

And tomorrow you can start to learn 另外，明天開始，

to make your own sack lunch. 你得自己準備午餐。

Just save the raging appetite, 若你一整天餓得不像話，

and wait till dinner time. 就只好期待晚餐了，

We're having liver and onions, 我們將會有鵝肝配生洋蔥，

a favorite dish of mine." 這可是我的最愛呢!

He asked "Can I please rent a movie, 什麼?

to watch on my VCR?" 你說想要租錄影帶?

"Sorry, but I sold your TV, 不好意思，你的電視已經被我賣了，

for new tires on my car. 錢都用來換我新車輪!

I also rented out your room, 對了，你的房間也已經出租了，

you'll take the couch instead. 你可得開始睡客廳沙發，

The C.S.D. requires 赫赫有名的CSD明文規定 -

just a roof over your head. 要讓你有個屋簷遮頂。

Your clothing won't be trendy now, 以後你的衣服不再追求流行，

I'll choose what we eat. 我來決定去哪裡用餐，

That allowance that you used to get, 原本給你的零用錢，

will buy me something neat. 可以用來給我自己買點好東西。

I'm selling off your jet ski, 至於你的滑雪板、腳踏車、溜冰鞋，

dirt-bike & roller blades. 我都該把它們買了。

Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights', 你沒聽過【父母權利法案】嗎?

It's in effect today! 它也是個最新的法律喔!

Hey hot shot, are you crying, 小鬼，剛才不是很有種，怎麼哭了呢?

Why are you on your knees? 怎麼還跪下來了呢?

Are you asking God to help you out, 喔! 你在祈禱上帝拯救你嗎?

instead of C.S.D..?" 難道現在赫赫有名的CSD救不了你嗎?"

Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers, or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH. I love this One!!!

from a MOM (Mean Old Mother.)